Like all of these CK posts, I always start it the same way. "I really like my friend CK, but..." Well I do, but last Saturday I received an urgent call. Now I have been telling CK to get a nice flat screen to replace her 1972 black and white 13 inch rabbit eared TV, but she never hears anything I say. She also complains that I have way too many TVs for my place and for one person. I have also been telling her to get cable. At the very least the 13 inch b&W picture will come in better and she will not have to worry about the rabbit ears falling to the floor and god forbid put the slightest scratch on her hardwood floor. But she did not heed my warning.
Fast forward to last weekend. CK calls up in tears telling me that the Breeder cup is on ESPN. I am like wow that it is fantastic. Then she asked what I was doing. I told her that I was about to give blood for the second time that week to save a dying man and then probably watch the Notre Dame game. She told me to quickly wrap up the blood letting and get home because she needed to watch the Breeder cup. Be there no later than 11:45 or else I start knocking windows out with bricks. Then she hung up.
I arrived home just as CK was cocking her arm to take out the first window. I was able to talk her out of throwing the brick and we entered into the house. I was a little weak from all the blood giving but as soon as we got in CK insisted that I turn the TVs on to ESPN and to shut my mouth so she can watch the pre-game. She pulled out her copy of Thoroughbred Times with it feature article, Back to Churchill Downs. She went to sit down and then screeched.... I said CK, what is the matter. She said there is a dog hair on the couch..How am I to sit here. I said CK I have two cats and a dog, and I have not had a chance since you gave such late notice, and I am weak from giving blood.. She said, I will count to 30, get a vacuum with a fresh hepa filter and eradicate this area of all dog and cat hair. I need to eat my Asian rice crackers in a secure environment. Go, she screamed and I sprang into action. I fainted twice but was able to clear an area in which she felt safe.
In trying to make small talk with her I asked if she liked that it was on a bigger screen and in high Def.. Apparently this was lost on CK and she felt that her 1972 13 inch B&W provided a much better picture. I thought to myself...How?? The rabbit ear reception must be horrible in her place provided she cannot even talk on her cell phone because she lives on our planet's only sunspot smack dab in the middle of Hoboken. I tired to continue making small talk but was quickly told to shut up and bring her Coke and Asian Rice crackers and only speak when spoken to. She grabbed a knife from my cutlery set and threatened to cut me and my dog if I did not comply. I quickly got quiet.
I began preparing my drawing for this years 2006 Xmas cards, when we came to a commercial break. CK was ready to talk and I made what I thought would be a very reasonable request. Since there was 30 mins between each race, I thought at 330 we could watch the Notre Dame game between the races. You would have thought I reached into her chest and ripped her lungs and heart out and threw them on the floor. She screamed....What??? What??? Are you kidding??? I do not know what you are watching but down here on this crappy HD 42 inch TV we are watching the Breeder cup, which by the way does not end until 1130 pm. At that moment I knew my fate and day was sealed. At 4pm I found myself in my bedroom watching the Notre Dame game as CK watched the run for the cup on my TV and computer. I was denied water and food.
The only time we interacted after that moment was when she would yell to me...I need more soda get it now. At that moment I was granted access to the downstairs area. For the most part I sat in my bedroom, folding clothes, comforting the animals that she scared with jer demeanor, and looking out the window as if to ask the higher spirits when will this ordeal be over. Did the hostages in Iran have it this bad. I think not.
With my game finished I went back downstairs and just sat quietly in my kitchen as the races progressed. She was rooting for the horses whose owners were some how connected to the 9-11 terror bombings. She reminded me that money laundering, if not caught, is not a crime and the Meadow lands race track and people are a cesspool. I sat there until almost midnight when the last race went off. At the end, she took her magazine, threw it at me, and then took a fork and stabbed my dog Suzie in the ass. Suzie did nothing because she is used to this behavoir from CK. Sadly, I have become numb to it as well.
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